In the first article of this two-part series, we discussed the importance of training leaders on conflict resolution skills and how to create a psychologically safe environment. Here, we’ll learn more about exercises and techniques for practicing conflict resolution skills. 

Practicing Conflict Resolution Skills: Exercises and Techniques for Leaders

To make dealing with conflict easier, it’s worth helping leaders understand the three steps in every difficult situation — reduce their own irritation and emotionality, bring the discussion to a common denominator (e.g., make sure you’re really arguing and discussing the same thing), and then better understand the other side’s real position.

Fundamental Attribution Error

One of the causes of aggression in conflicts is related to the fundamental attribution error — when we attribute our own actions to external circumstances and others’ actions to character traits. For example, I was late because my alarm clock didn’t go off. And my colleague was late because he is lazy and irresponsible.

To cope with this error, have leaders try an exercise we call “Presumption of best premise.” Articulate 2-3 positions of your co-workers or employees that you have disagreed with recently. Write them down and add two possible explanations of why those positions take place. Let one suggest that the person is either insufficiently informed or unable to understand the whole situation. Or, perhaps, in an extreme example, is openly trying to harm you or even the entire company. And the other is exactly the opposite. That your colleague knows and notices something that you missed, tries to benefit the company differently. Or that they, like you, protect the interests of their department and employees.

Now look at the resulting lists: We are not saying that one is right and one is wrong. It is true that people do not always act with the best of intentions. However, having the full picture in front of you will allow you to not jump to conclusions and have more peace of mind to handle difficult conversations.

Be sure to do this exercise in writing so that the wording is as accurate as possible.

Disputes About Different Subjects

The second common cause of conflict: when the parties appear to be arguing with each other and proving their position but cannot reach a conclusion because they are actually arguing about different things.

Imagine several developers arguing about which framework to choose to build a project. They have already spent many hours on the discussion, and everyone is sure that they are right. They are running out of energy and the conversation becomes more and more tense. And then one of them asks a question — how do we know that any of the frameworks is right for us?

This simple phrase stops the discussion, because it turns out that they forgot to agree in the beginning on the criteria for making a decision. Instead of discussing the problem, they are arguing about the advantages and disadvantages of approaches in a vacuum.

In the real situation I am describing, after the answer to this question was given, within 30 minutes the disputants came to the conclusion that none of the proposed solutions is suitable. A completely different approach is needed to realize the project, with which everyone now agreed.

To avoid such situations, it’s worth learning “framing” — a tool for marking the boundaries of an argument. To do this, every time it seems to you that the conversation has reached an impasse, and you hear repeated arguments in the dispute, pause and together find answers to two questions:

• What question are we trying to find the answer to now?
• How will we know we’ve found the right answer in the discussion?

If leaders don’t have a hot topic at hand right now, they can try to answer these questions on their own, using topics commonly found in debates. For example: an unconditional basic income should be introduced. Or: a flat tax scale should be introduced.

“What” Instead of “Why”

But even in constructive discussions where the parties agree that each other’s intentions are constructive, conflicts can erupt. After all, the stakes are high, and our most valuable assets — our ideas and values — are at stake.

Often these conflicts arise because of misunderstandings. After all, in the heat of discussion, not everyone is able to express their thoughts in a crystal clear and structured way. And in such a case, it will help a lot if you yourself try to help the opposite side to convey your thoughts more precisely. Then your arguments will be more understandable. And, most importantly — the person with whom you argue is more likely to feel heard and appreciated. To achieve this, questions will also help.

There is a common belief that in order to get to the bottom of things, you need to ask “why” five times. This idea has become so popular that this question typically becomes our gut reaction when we don’t understand something.

The snag is that this question most typically sounds terribly annoying if we ask it in an argument. It more often than not elicits an emotional response.

Practice eliminating the “why” question from your vocabulary. Each time replacing it with a construction that starts with “what.” Instead of asking, “Why do you think it might work?”

Try, “What are the reasons for us to think it might work?”

The difference may not be noticeable at first. However, the first question is more likely to be met with hostility because it provokes an answer based on personal subjective beliefs: “Because the data says so!” Or, “Because I’ve done it before!” And the second one refers to rational arguments: First, the data show this and that. Second, our last experiment yielded such and such results.

How to practice such technique? Take two people, ask one to say a position, and the second to consistently ask questions about it through why, and then through what. And discuss with them possible reactions to this.

In conclusion, effective conflict resolution is essential for effective leadership. There are multiple approaches that corporate trainers can use to effectively influence the leaders into better understanding how to act wisely in managing conflict in any context.

In our opinion, the key ones are fostering open communication about the conflict experience, pointing out the key turning points in the development of the conflict, and creating a safe space. They will not only teach conflict resolution but also will demonstrate to the leader the environment they must create for themselves.