When it comes to having difficult conversations, preparation matters. I know this as well as anyone, having served for 18 years as a chief people officer of FranklinCovey. But, while most people try to prepare themselves for what they will encounter, they don’t always consider who they will encounter.
Naturally, most of us struggle when faced with the need to resolve workplace issues, which can create conflict. Yet while a tough talk with a team member won’t likely be a pleasant interaction, it shouldn’t become angry or unproductive.
Indeed, avoiding difficult conversations can mean lingering problems, as well as missed chances for growth and strained relationships, which also can breed or deepen a lack of trust.
Many managers or even skilled executives can feel unprepared to respond to the emotional reactions that frequently arise in these exchanges. But there are key ways to manage the tension and engage in a collaborative dialogue that can lead to progress on vital issues.
What should the strategies be to accomplish that? Leaders should balance courage and consideration throughout the conversation by stating their purpose — the issue they need to make progress on — and positive intent — how they want the other person to benefit from the conversation. Teams and organizations significantly accelerate performance when a difficult conversation is navigated successfully.
It sounds simple, right? But is it really this simple?
Of course not. While some will accept the difficult feedback in stride, team members may get defensive, or upset, or even hostile.
Indeed, many people avoid difficult conversations or handle them poorly because they’re afraid to address uncomfortable issues and feel unprepared to respond to the emotional reactions that inevitably arise. According to FranklinCovey’s Navigating Difficult Conversations survey of 900 individual contributors and managers:
- 65% of people “worry about how the other person will react” in a difficult conversation.
- 82% of people want to improve how they have these conversations.
In my experience, reviewing the six personality types you’re most likely to meet during a difficult conversation, and trying to anticipate where the person across the table (or screen) from you fits in, can leave you far better prepared.
The Feedback Framework
Consider this framework before your next tough talk — it can be very useful in helping you set your own expectations and showing up for the discussion with the right mindset.
The excuse maker:
This is the person who is happy to acknowledge the problems you raise but fails to take any responsibility for it. The person who genuinely wants to do a good job, but winds up deflecting their shortcomings rather than admit to them. They always have a justification at the ready and, unfortunately, are more than willing to portray themselves as a victim in order to avoid negative consequences.
To overcome this type, it’s important to consider what might be driving their fear of admitting fault. Share feedback from times when you yourself were called out for something. Admit that you also were hurt by that feedback. And make it clear: If the person you’re talking to can own this, then you’re confident that both of you can get to a better place.
The overreacter:
This is the person who’s already cut you off before you’ve even laid out all the reasons for the conversation. They’re emotional. They’re angry. They can’t comprehend being criticized or even coached. Feedback for them touches some kind of nerve that typically causes them to lash out defensively. Conversations with overreacters require a lot of thoughtful pauses. They require you to repeatedly acknowledge their emotions and tell them how you appreciate their perspective. You have to let them vent. But you can’t be a total pushover. When it’s time for you to share details, offer a simple ground rule: I will give you the opportunity to speak without interrupting. Will you do the same for me? Appeal to their sense of fairness, and you may have it reflected back to you. If not, an overreacter may be the sort of person you’ll need to see again, on another day, when they’ve had some time to cool off. But ultimately, if you are the manager, they need to know that, too.
The perfectionist:
These are your superstars. These are the people who, if you had to start all over again, would be your first hires. These are the people who need to hear just that before you start offering a critique. Let’s be honest: Part of being a perfectionist is feeling devastated when you get even the most minimal constructive feedback. It goes against the grain of the need to be flawless that they’ve worked very hard to achieve. For that reason, validate their strengths up front. Heap upon them appropriate and justified praise.
Being a star, they’ll know something else is coming. Often, they’ll laugh nervously before I’ve even started delivering the feedback. Share that light moment with them. A sense of humor won’t solve all problems, but it will make it a little easier to swallow what for them is a bitter pill.
The poser:
This is the easiest difficult conversation you’ll ever have. Which is the whole problem. The poser will listen to you. They won’t interrupt. In fact, they’ll go one further — they’ll agree with everything you say. They’ll give the appearance of wanting feedback so much that sometimes they’ll even solicit it. The one thing they won’t do, however, is change.
You’ll only know you’re dealing with a poser when you have the second, third or fourth conversation with them about the same issues. Once there, be blunt. Be considerate, but call it out. Tell them your experience giving feedback to them in the past. Ask them directly if they can take it a step further this time and change the behaviors that keep cropping up.
The emoter:
Bring tissues. I’m serious. You might think many employees receiving critical feedback fall into this category. But the emoter is different — they’ll get emotional regardless of the type of feedback and, unlike the overreacter, their emotions skew toward tears rather than anger.
This is a natural reaction (hence the tissues). It’s fine to assist them. That also means making them feel as if being emotional is normal, and perhaps even encouraged.
As with the overreacter, don’t be afraid to take a break. Tell them you want them to be wildly successful and list all of the responsibilities they are sincerely strong at. Also let them know you can see that they might need a little time to process, and that these emotions may make it difficult for them to achieve a productive outcome.
The mature improver:
This is the person we all wish we had a dozen of. They’re a close cousin of the perfectionist, but somehow their personality allows them to acknowledge any small deficiencies with little defensiveness and a ton of eagerness to change.
They’re the ones who could almost conduct the conversation for you. The ones who’ll tell you it’s hard to hear, but sincerely appreciate the feedback. They are, if you can’t already tell, exceedingly rare. There’s little I need to say to help you manage conversations with them because if you have one on your team, you’re just thankful they exist. No playbook necessary.
Of course, these six personality types aren’t the only types that exist in the workforce. They’re just the ones you’re most likely to encounter.
While avoiding difficult conversations may lead to temporary relief, the true underlying issues will persist, eventually building into larger problems such as decreased productivity, damaged relationships and team dynamics, misaligned expectations, missed opportunities for growth, a culture of disrespect and lower overall organizational results.
Leaders who understand the methods and techniques to shift their mindset from fearing and avoiding difficult conversations to seeing them as the way to make progress on mission-critical issues are more likely to get the results they want. They’ll also foster greater trust and respect among their team.
Tough conversations will never be easy. If you need to initiate one, it’s important not to delay it because of trepidation — these interactions are unavoidable. By developing your approach ahead of time, you can keep your poise and move your difficult conversation toward the most productive outcome possible.
